We were allready away from home, training for deployment to Afghanistan. There was a moment when I was a tad bit more frustrated than I was able to deal with in a composed way, without some outlet.

It wasn’t a problem of a training nature. It was something personal, perhaps evoked partly by the circumstance or environment in which I found my psyche. I was frustrated with a particular friend to whom I was drawn to for wisdom, who was oblivious to my imagined perils.

Though I spoke of the need to run or hit something or just cry, I was alone in my needs. I was upset with my command for issuing what I considered very unfair edicts on the females of the battalion, though the edicts were completely legal.

I was also completely beside myself with the lack of control over what my husband was doing back home and what he wasn’t doing which was not dealing with a very sick little boy back home. 

I needed to not be here for a minute somehow. I tried running, and ran a while but my body was tired before my mind. I couldn't get a hold of a movie that would engross me at that moment either. Both of these were my go to coping mechanisms.  I decided I needed to leave the environment.

When I was a tennager, I would go for long drives to deal with such moments.The drives, usually late at night, would give outlet for my body and thereby room for my overacting brain to function.

I hadn’t the opportunity to act in such a way since having children, so it hadn’t occurred to me till just in the moment. Here though, I was without wheels to employ. I determined to abscond with the company’s vehicle for just a few minutes on the freeway-off post. 

The car had to pick someone up shortly.  I volunteered to be the driver of those who needed a lift. I took the keys from the 1st Sergeant. I saw that he recognized that I was not myself. He asked, I gave my pat answer and removed myself from his presence.

I needed a second someone with whom to commune without words to not be alone in the universe. For if I was alone, I might not make it to the destination in time, so powerful wanted my mind to process.

I stopped in the MWR (Morale, Welfare and Recreation) area to see if someone fit the bill. To my peace there was, the Lieutenant over me in the company. He seemed like a semi-enlightened fellow so I asked for his company.

It was all I could do not to cry or hit something now, so walked up to him. As he got into the van next to me, I informed him that I needed him to be silent and let me process. I wanted loud music on, but he could choose the station.

He picked a country station… As I sped down the road, he suggested seat belts and for me to wait till we were off base to resume my speeding. I did as he instructed through my sobbing tears. 

As I approached the freeway on ramp, I put the pedal to the floor and felt the power of the engine kick into gear and grind down the pavement; well, that’s what I hoped it would feel like, but the van only moved slightly faster.

I insisted for it to continue to full power with my stubborn foot weighed on the floor. Soon we had reached speeding capacity and it actually felt good. It was difficult to see through my feelings that were obeying gravity’s call as they spilt from me.

My life inside me was just a little too full and was spilling over till the by ways were no longer backed up with what was inside. My eyes stung. My lieutenant was quiet. My music was reverberating the plastic and metal in the van.

My mind relaxed. We better get there, he said. Piercing through my thick self enveloped daze. We picked up the soldiers and I sped them home more anxiously than they likely wanted to be there. I was back in control enough to deal with my situation again.

I strolled into the female barracks and a female soldier ran up and gave me a hug. She was so genuine. I was touched. We weren’t close. She was friendly though, perhaps we could be. That lieutenant, now Captain reminds me of my driving habits periodically with his wry grin.