Changing our Reactions
I talk by phone to this lady frequently, a friend from a personal development seminar we both attended a while ago. We discuss growth and shifting from less to more in every phone call. She said something that struck me profoundly.
She said my trauma from the past isn’t the problem in my life, but it's my reaction to it that creates my issues in life. I am healed, well and it was a long time ago, so anything left is in my memories, my attitudes and beliefs that have come out of it.
My weaknesses, my stupidity, my thoughtlessness, any of my ideas are not the real problems. They aren’t the true source of difficulties. The real true failure is the bad reactions to these very human ways (every person has them in a variety).
My reaction to a slap on the face is what determines my next steps and perhaps lasting steps in my life. My filter requires different reactions for different circumstances. We react differently to different people and to different circumstances.
If my spouse slapped me, versus if my friend slapped me, versus if a stranger slapped me versus if my mom slapped me…you get the idea. If my mom slapped me as a kid it would cause me to sulk and slink away.
Or perhaps an exclamation of apology would happen (No my mom didn’t do that. I’m not telling on her). Or maybe an angry outburst would come out of me. No matter what reaction I had, it would be my reaction. The slap itself would be a neutral actor in between 2 human reactors.
If my partner in life would slap me it would cause me to remove myself from him and perhaps slink away. It might cause me to slap back depending on the situation. My daily friend slapping me would cause me to ask why, what is going on, finding reason.
A stranger slapping me would cause a fight or flight reaction. If I was already in a mood for something, I would very likely act more aggressively. My reaction is just my internal filter and is based on my experiences and personality commenting, to tell me how to live in the world.
This filter, it helps me choose what direction to step, how motivating different experiences will be to me, etc. Even though it's automatic it seems, it really is about all the previous inputs into our life mixed with our personality traits.
The reaction looks at current wants and needs and our history and knowledge and makes a split second decision. This is all collapsed into a reaction. By definition reaction needs to be quick, immediate and decisive, so taking the input through the preset filter to make instantaneous choices or reactions is how the brain/body stays alive in the world.
The problem with this is that we think, because we receive the collapsed info rather quickly, that it is the truth, gospel, complete and real. Actually, it is only as true as the inputs and filters that created it. And we can change our reactions. In time, not the next day.
We can change not only the inputs but what the filter is composed of. By choosing to change these prior parts to our reactions-eventually what comes out the other side will also be different. We can and will begin to react in ways different than we have in the past.
I joined the military a few years back. One of the benefits I wanted was to change my reaction to danger. I seemed to go into freeze mode every single time. No matter what I thought or wanted, I seemed to be stuck in a freeze.
I wouldn't even run. I wouldn’t fight…I could only sit there, frozen in the shock of whatever was happening. My freeze reaction caused me a lot of issues in my youth and left me in a lot of problems. It didn’t get me out of situations that really hurt me either.
So then, I was determined to make it different. I counted on the military to give me more reaction types than just freeze. I have not been disappointed. I can fight when fighting is better. I can freeze still when that is the best option and I can take flight to where I need to be instead.
We can change how we react to the world, what we think of the world, and our feelings that come along with it all.
